I recently read an article on the Guardian https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/jul/21/woman-greatest-enemy-lack-of-time-themselves that really resonated with me. One because I am a woman, and two because it mentions many creative women throughout history, who did not have enough time to dedicate to their art, to develop their work, because of social restraints. In many or most of the examples given, the women had to give up their genius to be dutiful housewives, to make life easy for their also talented and genius husbands or employers. Now, I am not faced with the same social dilemna. I am what I call “serially single”, so I am not serving any man, or woman, instead of working on my jewellery brand. However, modern society/households still rely on women for most of it’s emotional labour, such as remebering birthdays and christmas cards, organising childcare ect… and does not always leave a lot of room for anything else, so maybe not as much has changed as we would like to think… Personally, I feel I am slave to modern city life, where one is expected to have it all: the great career, great home, great relationship, great hobbies ect… But trying to start my own creative business, I can not remember when I was NOT plagued with lack of time. I have so many diaries, and have to plan months before hand even the smallest social interaction (to the great amusement of many of my friends). I know starting a business is hard, two years ago I knew what I was getting myself into. I was aware I would have to juggle a full time job for quite some time before DFG could be my sole/main source of income , especially living in London. I also am in love with Brazillian Juijutisu and weight training, and train 5 to 6 days a week, I truly attempt to see family and friends and have a normal social life. But I am terrifed of being boring and not living experiences, so as well and funneling most of my money into DFG I try and DO things, live and create memories: this is usually where things fall apart (financially as well as time wise lol). …Do you see where this is going? Time is my enemy and that article has me questioning my whole life…lol
Now you would think all of these activities would leave one feeling fulfilled and good; but mostly I am tired, I feel inadequate, and worry that my career is going no where. I am aware this is nothing new. This is a topic anyone can find many articles about with a quick google search. And I know I could make myself happier in some aspects of my life if I quit DFG, kept my regualr job, and just spent all my money travelling and doing things. But then I would be unhappy because I would not have my business, a certain thirst would not be quenched. And then I want to quit my day job to do DFG full time and be happy doing only work I love, sadly DFG is not quite there yet… it is a vicious cycle, a catch 22, I think many creatives feel caught in.
The reading of said article also happened to be around the same time I got a letter from my younger sister who has had the best year of her life in japan, doing simply the most amazing things, whilst I have sadly had a very shit 6 months. I also met someone, who also has his own business and really seems to take life by the balls and make it his bitch, and just fucking lives (excuse my french ;)… and it annoyed me that I was not doing the same. Of course social media, and the facade we present to the world can be just that, a beautiful mask, and it can be easy to dupe people into thinking we are living out best lives with no regrets or doubts even if this is not the case (I mean just check out my instagrams @dirtyfrenchgirl and @ceejaylemon lol), but even so, it made me feel like I have been living in limbo, finding excuses to just plod along, putting things off.
So I have begun thinking “How can I rectify this? What is success and happyness for me? What defines it and how can I achieve it?”. Happiness and living life to the full obviously has a different definitions for each individual: whilst one person is an adrenaline junkie whose goal is to parachute in every country in the world, another might be an avid book worm and want to read every book by Margaret Atwood… as a result of all this brain blah here I am, sat at home, cup of coffee in one hand, cigarette in the other, trying to define what the fuck would make me feel fulfilled and happy. Unfortunately, I seem to be one of those individuals that is never satisfied, always longing for something, for more. I also struggle to define what that “something more” might be. This makes figuring out how to define my happiness and achieve my success a fair bit harder. To my great despair, I am also impatient and greedy, so even when I concoct a plan, I want it all right here, right now.
So as I muddle my way through modern day city living, trying to find renewed gusto in my mundane every day activities, looking forward to the day DFG makes me rich and famous 😉 so I can live a life of leisure and be happy (LOL), I wonder if, and hope I am not, the only 26 year old creative to feel like they are running out of time?
Brain Baby Bombshell by Chloe Mellen